Archive for category Parody

Happiest Man Alive Kills Himself (and other news)

 

Dalai Lama: Violence OK, Actually

His Holiness the Dalai Lama made a drastic departure from his previous stance on non-violence on Tuesday at a press conference announcing his new book entitled, Violence: Not If, But When. The Dalai Lama stated, “Violence is, ultimately, the only real option for getting what you want and need. The pretense of non-violence is just that- pretense. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi were great ideals, but at the end of the day the only way to get something done is to bust some heads.”

When asked how one can reconcile violence with Buddhist practice, His Holiness drew a deep breath, gazed serenely to everyone present and spoke in verse: Rain drop falling/ off the rose petal/ again and again/ just like my fist/ smashing someone’s skull/ again and again.

 

Man To Begin Long-Term Planning, ‘Sometime in the Distant Future’

Chuck Fahey, thirty-six year old Chicago northsider, announced to friends and family last Wednesday that, “The time has come when I recognize the fact that I only live once, that if I’m really going to accomplish my dreams in this lifetime, I must begin to integrate the many interests, talents, and passions I have, cultivating them over a lifetime into a unique process wherein I’ll be able to actualize all of my unrealized potential and flourish beautifully throughout the summer, fall, and eventual winter of my life, so I can die without any regrets, a smile on my face, with love and wisdom overflowing from my heart. That time is not yet. Maybe next year; I’ve got shit to do.”

 

Easter 2013 Cancelled

The Vatican, known for its stalwart resistance to change in such areas as contraception and homosexuality, stunned the world with its radically venturous decision to cancel Easter, the two-thousand year old celebration of the resurrection on the Third Day of the Lord Jesus Christ, this year. “Let’s just see how it goes”, Pope Benedict XVI added with a wink. When asked for further explanation, the papacy proclaimed, “We already have Christmas. We already have a holiday for every single saint. Do you know how many saints that is!? I just think it’s about time we start giving some of these lesser known but equally important holidays our prayerful attention, as well.” When asked why not, then, is Christmas cancelled, the Pope responded mirthfully, “Who knows if it won’t be- that’s eleven months away!”

 

Happiest Man Alive Kills Himself

Jacques Sebald, universally recognized as the happiest man alive, killed himself this past Thursday. He will be survived by his loving family, friends, students, colleagues, and everyone else less happy than he was. The attempt to discover why Mr. Sebald, known for his profound laughter, unconditional kindness, and seemingly limitless hope, killed himself has been thwarted, despite the fact (or perhaps because of) that he did leave a suicide note, which detailed how Jacques- felt tremendous joy, as light as a feather and as immovable as a mountain- how he’s reached a point where the common pangs of fear and depression, even the common cold itself, leave him untouched- how confident he feels in being able to handle life skillfully while retaining a sense of humility, curiosity, and gratitude- how the hurts and setbacks in life that inevitably come his way are transformed into compassion and empathy for both himself and other living beings- how life is a strange yet familiar gift from the divine that he relishes for the pure sake of it- that everyone, everything, sinner and saint, stone and star, are his brother and sister.

The only plausible explanation- if indeed it is at all- is that the Happiest Man Alive was known for his ironic sense of humor and that this, coupled with his tendency to take things (happiness included) to the extreme, well, there you go.

 

Woman Flummoxed by Five Hours of Actual Energy

Lindsey Carr, 44, of Homewood-Flossmoor, was unexpectedly confronted with the weighty effects of having five hours of energy. Lindsey, who had been feeling the negative effects of the winter season, namely, lethargy, decided on Friday to purchase a small bottle of ‘5 Hour Energy’ at her local gas station. “I thought it would help me finish a to-do list, for once”, said Carr. On the contrary.

It started when Lindsey’s friend invited her to play video games. “I couldn’t sit there with a vacuous expression on my face playing like a docile chimpanzee for the reward of bright lights and high scores”. When Lindsey shared this sentiment with her friends, trouble ensued. (Once) long-time friend John Snyder reports, “She started being a real bitch. She pointed at me and interrogated me about life, my life, what we were all doing here. I handed her a bowl and told her to smoke and she went into a rage.” Reports from multiple sources verify the following: Ms. Carr opened up all the shutters of the home, blinding her friends with the light of day. She then destroyed the video game console and started shouting at her friends that there was a sun outside and dormant capacities within each of them (at this point jabbing each of her friends in the sternum with her forefinger, driving home the point) and that these (the dormant capacities) are awaiting to be awoken, at which point her friends, incensed over the destroyed video game console, chased her out of the home with the threat and then mild use of violence, locked her out, and re-shut the shutters.

Lindsey, in a fugue, made the sudden realization that she, too, was not living as she could and should, jabbing her own self in the sternum, then proceed to walk the streets of Homewood-Flossmoor, talking to herself. “I kept asking myself, what am I going to do with all this energy? I could save a rainforest, stop poverty, build a house, learn to play the trumpet, overcome myself. There were too many possibilities. The effect of which was that my previous to-do list became insignificant; it was obsolete in comparison to the flood of inspiration pouring into my psyche. Or was it pouring out of my psyche? Is the muse within me or somewhere out-there… such were the philosophical questions that plagued me as a result of having five hours of actual energy.”

These ‘philosophical questions’ went on to alienate Lindsey, at her home of all places. Roommate Kevin Doyle, “She burst into my room with a frisbee demanding we go out and play. She was blathering about the purpose of life being to spin freely over an open meadow, or some shit like that. I started hitting her like an alarm clock, then my actual alarm went off and I started hitting that and her at the same time, and then finally I had the stroke of genius to hit her with my alarm clock, which not only shut off my alarm clock but also got her to leave me alone.”

Luckily, or so she thought, Lindsey was scheduled to go into work that evening, and hoped she could release her unspent energy. However, there was no solace from the isolating effects of five hours of real energy, even in the workplace. “I love when my employees give 110%” says boss Patty Scruples “but Lindsey was giving, like, a lot more than 110%”. It was making everybody nervous and feel shitty about themselves.” Sources confirm that Lindsey did her work both perfectly and with incredible speed, moving on to do everyone else’s work within an hour, while simultaneously creating a presentation that she shared with the entire company, on how they could expand globally by harnessing the unique features of each of its employees, for whom she had developed portfolios that were more comprehensive than a Meyers-Briggs Test, from seemingly nothing but her own observation and intuition. This (the portfolios) caused multiple employees to weep, alternating between tears of joy and tears of utter despair, at having what apparently was the equivalent of having a metaphysical mirror held up by God Himself reflecting your unconscious, revealing you to yourself in perfect clarity, illuminating the dark and unknown parts of your personality, the monkey on your back, an image that mercilessly displayed the good, the bad, and the ugly in an all-too-sudden moment of self-truth, shattering any semblance of blissful ignorance, and that this caused the whole team to break down, some of them leaving never to return, going on extended walk-abouts or getting their gender changed by operation, or committing themselves to esoteric religious orders or becoming teachers, students, or in one case, simply a bum. Mrs. Scruples, desperate to retain her staff, and from what we can infer the only one who didn’t see the almost Medusa-like power-point presentation, chased Lindsey out of the office with nothing but a three-hole puncher.

Lindsey, outside, then had a moment of sublime self-truth. “I was on a roll. My manic energy crystallized into a serene image of myself embedded in the universe to which I’m a part. Then, it shattered. The Five Hour Energy wore off. My usual malaise set in. Since that day, I’ve thought of doing something like it again, but just the thought of doing all that and talking to so many people makes me feel exhausted.”

 

Arne Duncan Changes Reading Level Standards, Nation’s Test Scores Sky-Rocket

Yesterday, amidst growing concern over the nation’s pitiful reading ability, Barak Obama’s Secretary of Education, and former CEO [sic.] of Chicago Public Schools, Arne Duncan, unveiled his new plan to improve children’s test scores. Mr. Duncan’s brilliant strategy for educational reform is to make the second-grade reading level “the new eighth grade”. In a single day, reading and writing scores across the country ascended.

Eighth-grader Pete Thompson, of Chicago, had this to say, “I was, you know, not a smart, like, you know. Other kids.” When asked to expand, Pete said, “What?” When told to say more, Pete responded, “I was like, awesome! Now I’m like, real smart. You know.” Thanks to the visionary efforts of Arne Duncan, millions of young men and women such as Pete can now read just as well as students from Finland, Brazil, and Belarus.

Similar plans are being discussed in regard to math and science. “The era in which children need to know long division and the components of a water molecule is bygone.” said Mr. Duncan “What kids really need to know is the difference between ‘less’ and ‘more’, ‘hot’ and ‘cold'”. Such a move, without a doubt, would catapult math and science scores up to the ranks of the nation’s now laudable reading levels.

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