Bipolar Bears

Yesterday, I went to the zoo, hoping to see the bipolar bear. What a waste of time. It hid in the corner, moping. The educators at the zoo said it was sad, because climate change is destroying the polar ice caps. Sure, but that’s not why the bipolar bear’s depressed. The truth is the bipolar bear has its own, internal issues. Anyhow, I wasn’t surprised. Disappointed? Yes. But not surprised. Tomorrow it could be the exact opposite. The bipolar bear will dive into the water, swim laps, and jump out- enraptured- pacing back-and-forth talking nonstop about a Radical New Insight about Ice and Fish- just listen will you listen to me, this changes everything (!!!!).

That’s just the nature of the bipolar bear. One minute it’s on top of the world, the next it’s in Antarctica feeling like shit. A lot of other bears, grizzlies especially, have no pity for the bipolar bear. They say, You should be more equatorial. They say, We have medicine for that, you know. But those of us who love the bipolar bear love it for its erratic mood, unbridled personality, and disparity (may I say, despair-ity?).

If Goldilocks walked into a bipolar bear’s house there wouldn’t be porridge that was ‘just right’. There would be hot porridge and there would be cold porridge. And depending on which way the wind was blowing, bipolar bear would have one or the other. There is no middle way. There is no lukewarm porridge. The Goldilocks and grizzly bears of the world cry foul saying, You must choose between one or the other! But bipolar bears retort that plain porridge and nice people and okay days are as good as zero.

I find bipolar bears to have a lot in common with bi polar bears. That is, bisexual polar bears. They, too, have a taste for irreconcilable opposites. Bi polar bears can go either way. They also get a lot of flak, not from grizzlies but from their own kind: middle-of-the-road polar bears concerned with their status as an endangered species, who criticize bi polar bears for not doing everything they can to procreate. But bi polar bears, like bipolar bears, are defined by their refusal of anything practical and moderate.

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