How to Defeat the Ambullites

A god is that which stops people in their tracks. Causes them to wait. For waiting is the most sacred thing. What is a god, thus defined? An ambulance. We worship the Ambulance. We offer it sacrifices: the broken, dead and dying. We give it our loved ones and- one day- even ourselves. But most importantly, we move to the side of the Road. And wait.

The Ambulance is not Mr. Nice Guy like Jesus. Nor is the Ambulance petty and jealous like Yahweh. The Ambulance is an altogether neutral god. Always ready to accept our gifts but never asking for more. Besides, we give the Ambulance plenty. But human sacrifices matter little to the Ambulance compared to our response to its presence: getting off the Road in an instant, and waiting. At least that’s my opinion, a modest and moderate believer…

But then there are the fanatics, the Ambullites, who are convinced we are not sacrificing enough. They say to move to the side of the road only every once in a while is not enough for us to maintain conscious contact with the Ambulance.  They say not moving to the side of the road and stopping but just kind of slowing down and letting the Ambulance pass is utter sacrilege.

At first they tried renting ambulances and running them 24/7. But drivers became privy to their scheme and kept driving on the Road anyway. The Ambullites, discouraged but not defeated, concluded the only way people will stop in their tracks is if the Ambulance is really carrying a human sacrifice. So… they concluded… we just need more sacrifices.

Thus, the Great Maiming has commenced under the name of the Ambulance. The Ambullites shoot their victims or cut off an arm and a leg and then leave their victims with a cell phone already on the line with 911.  The result: ambulances everywhere. Now, nobody can drive at all, there’re so many Ambulances. All we can do is wait, wait… and wait.

I have started a resistance against the Ambullites. You can’t fight them in the traditional sense. Because if you wound or kill them, it just brings another Ambulance into the mix. No. You’ve got to wage war on the Ambulance itself. Dismantle and destroy all of its manifestations. Shatter its lights and break its horn. Slash its tires and pour oatmeal down its gas tank. In a twisted way, I’ve been led to go to war against God. I know one day I will pay for my hubris. But we have to sacrifice the Ambulance, in order to save us all.

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